TOXIC RELATIONSHIPS

One area in my life where I learned the biggest lessons is in personal relationships. I have learned that the people you surround yourself with can either hinder or help you and I personally believe surrounding yourself with the right people is not only detrimental to your mental wellbeing but also in helping you reach your full potential in life.

Have you heard the saying ‘bad company corrupts good character?’ or ‘show me your friends and I’ll show you your future? These sayings have a certain truth to it. I have not always got it right when it has come to relationships/ friendships but I can now say with measured confidence that in essence I know what productive, loving and trusting relationships should be like and that the evidence and traits of a good relationship speaks for itself.

The ability to discern people is not something that happens naturally. Many people, especially those of us who have been through abuse or come from backgrounds where parental relationships were abusive or dysfunctional have issues in this area. I believe what allows unhealthy relationships to thrive for all the wrong reasons at its core stems from low confidence and self esteem. Unable to believe we deserve the best in all areas of life, including how we allow others to treat us, we often find ourselves affirming these feelings inside by the choices we make about relationships.

My ability to set boundaries within relationships was distorted from a young age. Sexually abused by my Father and witnessing my Mother completely dominated and controlled by my Father left a psychological imprint on me. These early childhood experiences led me to come to a subconscious conclusion that I was of no real value of worth as a girl and that people could do what they wanted with me. It was no real surprise that the first real boyfriend I went out with had similar controlling traits like my Father. I thought it was love his treatment of me and it was painful allowing him to hurt me and tear me down emotionally. But in brutal honesty we were both dysfunctional and the relationship was destructive. I figured it was okay to be ill treated because it was what I deserved. After all, I must have done something terrible for my Father to treat me the way he did, right? No. Because of toxic self- esteem embedded in my mind set from young I carried that identity into all relationships.

I did not recognise that my low self-esteem and confidence for many years were at the root of allowing unhealthy relationships room to grow. For years I suffered from depression that left me devoid of hope that my circumstances would ever change. It was only when I turned to Jesus Christ that I started to have courage and hope that a different future was possible for me and my self-esteem and confidence started to grow. Over time my destructive behaviour lessened and the controlling people that I had in my life with help from God I learned how to depart company from them.

What I found in those early years of self discovery- 13yrs-24yrs old, was the people in my life at the time did not mind when I was down and depressed without direction or hope. I let myself become a dumping ground for any destructive behaviour vested on me and had some friendships and relationships that depended on me being weak and broken, but as soon as they saw me getting stronger, not relying on them but learning to stand on my own two feet I became a problem. I even had an ex friend at that time turn round and say that I would never be able to go far in life without her! It was shocking to see how my life turning round for the good could cause offence to people, yet when I was doing the worst things and behaving in a negative way I was welcome in their company because either it made them look better than me or because of the drama I was part of when I was in trouble they felt they were rescuing me. My search for affirmation and acceptance led me down the path of seeking the wrong people and vulnerability left me open to allow people to use it as an opportunity to control me. Looking back I am not shocked at how these situations came to a conclusion. These relationships were not built on a foundation of equals and I take partial responsibility for allowing others to view the balance within the relationship as I was of lesser value than them but now I am in a different place mentally, spiritually and emotionally; I am making better decisions.

In my book, Daughter Arise I mention about people who I considered family turning against me. They tried to destroy the family my Husband and I were building together by spreading lies. After much reflection at the pain caused by such betrayal I realised I gave them control over my life but God used that situation to bring me to a new place in life; a new beginning that I could choose to have.; it was my choice. I could choose to continue to live a negative life with people who were not interested in seeing me prosper and grow into a productive and mentally healthy woman or have courage and faith to pursue new relationships that would bless my life. It was hard to take that step as I had no point of reference in how to build good foundations and boundaries with people but I have learned over time with wisdom, trial and error.

By nature I am an emotive and trusting person; a person who believes in giving people a chance. I used to be the type of person to take everyone on face value as being genuine but because of that naivety I ended up being hurt, humiliated and betrayed by people I thought cared for me. It was only when certain adults used my past abuse, normal teenage angst and new family dynamics to try and destroy me that I had step up and learn to build boundaries. I learned not everyone who smiles in your face and say they want the best for you really in their heart want that for you. Over time I have learned to choose my confidantes and friends wisely. I have had to learn who I am, and continuing to do that has helped me in recognising and managing my vulnerability.

I have walked away from relationships with my natural family, raving friendships, dysfunctional boyfriends and bad minded friends, surrogate parental relationships and in its place I have a relationship with Jesus, a wonderful loving Husband, a handful of loving trusted friends and not to mention my husbands family who love and support me. I have no regrets. Some people are only meant to be in your life for a reason or a season and the season of toxic friendships and relationships for me is long over; I decided that I deserve more.

So what does a toxic relationship look like? Firstly it involves a continuous play by others on your shortcomings and vulnerability. If you have people in your life that always tell you, you will never change and reminding you constantly that you are always messing up, they are not good for your life. Also if you are managing, however small to make positive productive steps in your life and they are critical of it, saying things like you think you better than everyone else or making you feel small for those positive changes instead of encouraging and congratulating you, that is not a good sign either. Other signs include not wanting you to give up certain behaviours and lifestyles. If you are saying I am not interested in doing certain stuff anymore and they keep encouraging you to indulge in the very thing that causes you to get into difficulties, it is time to review those friendships. Be careful of who you confide in and those people who prove themselves untrustworthy. You tell them something about yourself and they take that information and spread it to others. You can tell these types of people because if they chat other peoples business to you they are most likely doing the same behind your back. Life change involves making bold decisions and re-evaluating all areas of your life. Negative people also have a way of viewing everything as a problem and never offer solutions. They cannot champion your willingness to change and do new things because more often than not their own lives are not going well. You cannot allow them to poison your hope or cloud your optimism and by being around them their toxic energy will start to affect you too. With relationships like these regardless of loyalty to them, whether they are family or friends are not good for you. One thing you need to realise; in rising out of such relationships that hinder your life will cause friction. Not everyone is going to be happy with your decision to want to explore a different way of life. You may find that after making the decision you feel lonely or lost and may even regret parting from them, but in the long run you will see the benefits if you are willing to face the challenges and un-comfortableness of the short term.

How we find new relationships could be through finding new interests and hobbies, getting involved with organisations or support groups like Daughter Arise where you can find support amongst people who have had similar challenges and experiences as you or like me finding faith and relationship with God will help you connect with the right people who will help you find the strength and courage to change. Questions you should ask yourself about the relationships you have in your life are ‘does this relationship encourage, strengthen, challenge at times and grow me?’ ‘Do I feel comfortable with the dynamics of the relationship?’ ‘Are they helping me to become productive and make positive changes in my life?’ People who are for you will not feel threatened by your potential and your willingness to want better for your life or celebrate your success. It is important to remember this is a life long learning process and that even in finding new friendships it takes time to build up trust. Even if you have rekindled friendships from the past remember the person they knew back then is not the person you are now. People grow and change so if that person is still reminding you of how you used to be at every opportunity, you need to ask yourself the question ‘is this person part of the vision I have for where I am going in my life?’.

You may like me have found it easier at first building boundaries with strangers, colleagues, or acquaintances. I found it easier to discern people’s character in these situations than doing it with people I had a connection with but I got through it with help and support. People have told me outside of my trusted circle that I am secretive, guarded, difficult to read and distant. For me it is better that way. I am still learning to be careful about who I bare my inner feelings and thoughts to.

I hope from my experiences you can glean something from what I have shared with you to help if you are having problems in this area of your life. Remember to foster positive change takes boldness and courage; build relationships that encourage and help you grow as an individual and do your best to stay away from negative people and situations. These steps will set you on the right path to healing and positive wellbeing.