Speaking Out…5 Truths I need to share with you
- Yvonne Ellis
- Mar 14, 2016
- 15 min read
If you have never spoke out before about the sexual abuse you have been through, you may be thinking ‘how can I start to address what has happened to me if I am not sure how it has really affected me?’
I think for the majority of victim/survivors of sexual abuse have an idea that what they have experienced whether it was once, twice or repeated times has affected them in some way. Some survivors in order to deal with the pain minimise what has happened to them in order to cope while others use distractions to deal with the enormity of the situation. Every survivor has adopted his or her own methods to cope with the pain they feel. The truth is coping mechanisms are only good for a certain period of time until at some point the issue comes to a head and needs to be addressed and expressed in a safe and constructive way.
When I was 19 years old I broken and lost. I had no one I could talk to about the abuse I went through and no words to articulate the pain and craziness I felt inside until someone gave me a book by an author called Joyce Meyer called ‘tell them I love them’. For the first time ever I found someone that understood my pain. This middle aged white evangelist woman who lived on the other side of the world, who if put side by side with me would never think we had much in common, gave a voice to my pain through her gift of writing and I am grateful that God brought that book my way.
It is difficult to articulate and express the unimaginable horror that sexual abuse leaves behind. Emotionally it can make you feel lost and disconnected within yourself and feel ashamed to even voice it. It takes strength and courage to do it and can be especially hard to do if we cannot visibly see anyone around us that is openly talking about it in an honest and truthful way. I think if more people did victims/survivors of sexual abuse would not feel so isolated and more inclined to speak out.
I wish during my teens that someone had openly shared their story with me. I knew many girls and boys who had been sexually abused from my time in care but no one ever talked about it openly, you just saw the pain and destruction it left behind in their life. I wish someone were brave enough to tell me the truth about some of the challenges I would face on the journey to healing. I may not have been able to comprehend the full value of the precious, sincere advice and knowledge given at that time but at least the seeds of truth would have been sown in my soul for a time where I could receive their full meaning. So this is why I have decided to write this blog. If you are deliberating whether or not to disclose what has happened to you I hope this is helpful to you. If you have been on this journey to healing for a while or maybe just at the beginning, I hope what I share reinforces encouragement and hope in you that it does get better. For all of you I hope what I say here in sincerity serves as a reminder when the lies of your past that can creep in ours minds in a moment of feeling lost that you can and will make it. I hope you take courage from what I have called ‘5 truths you need to know’ and from the fact that I am still here not only surviving but thriving as a successful woman in spite of my past experiences.
YOU ARE NOT TO BLAME
One of the major issues that a survivor of sexual abuse struggles with is guilt and shame. For many years I felt that because I was a lively, playful child that this caused me to be abused, that this somehow attracted this horrible attention. But I came to learn many years after the abuse that even if I cart wheeled around the house in my underwear I would still not be the one to blame. That’s right. A child can never be responsible for what an adult chooses to do. My Father as an adult is responsible for his actions. He chose with his own freewill to do what he did. Sibling, family friend, cousin, babysitter, whoever it was that abused you had no right. You are not to blame in any way, shape or form for their actions. No one has the right to violate you in any way and EVEN if your body reacted in a way a body does when stimulated still does not make you at fault.
As uncomfortable as it is to acknowledge this awkward issue, I believe it is important for us to address this because it has caused so many survivors to feel damned. I felt damned for many years because of it. It hindered my healing and added to my feelings of guilt and shame. I never enjoyed what he was doing. I felt I did something bad to deserve this. Why else would someone I loved, a parent do this to me? That coupled together with the physical reactions of my body deceived me into thinking I had done something to feel guilty about. When I learned the truth years later, I decided to let the blame go. I have talked about it in my book Daughter Arise, the struggle I had with the guilt and shame of what happened to me. It was after I had my first nervous breakdown and in psychotherapy in my early twenties that I began to understand and accept I was not to blame. You have done nothing to deserve the shame and guilt that others may put on you or the condemnation you may put upon yourself. This is where we need to stand on this truth more than ever. You are not to blame and you cannot carry the burden of other people’s actions. Whether the perpetrator, family or friends acknowledge it or not does not matter. The fact is the guilt and shame are not yours to carry and releasing yourself from this is life changing and important; your emotional and mental wellbeing is what matters.
SILENCE IS NOT GOLDEN
Sexual abuse is such a complex and sensitive issue that it is very often overwhelming for the person who experiences it and no wonder so many survivors choose not to speak out or tell anybody. For those who have had the courage to voice what has happened more times than not in the first instance sadly are met with condemnation, denial or unbelief as we have visibly seen in some cases in the media. Survivors who have felt safe enough years later to disclose, are met with questions like ‘why didn’t you say something sooner?’
While it can seem appealing and less hassle not to speak out to protect siblings, friends or relatives in the long run it can cause more harm than good. It is admirable to want to spare others feelings as not to disappoint or hurt them, BUT what about you? It is difficult to know what to do when faced with the enormity of the situation. There are many scenarios victims of sexual abuse find themselves facing, maybe you love the perpetrator but hate what they have done to you but don’t want them to get in trouble or scared of what people may think of you especially loved ones. This can leave conflicting feelings, confused about whether to speak out or not. It is important to know that people who do this crime do not deserve your protection, they are a danger to society and are opportunists who wait for a situation to manipulate. Rarely do they abuse once rather they inoculate and isolate their victim enough to make them believe they are the only one.
Truth is, there are no guarantees of the outcome when you make a decision to speak out, but what I do know is that your decision to speak out definitely has to be about yourself. This has to be the foundation as too many people are left broken when the courts do not sentence the perpetrator the way we believe they should if it even gets that far.
I spoke out when I was 13 years old, five years into the abuse. It was when Child line visited my school that I had a name for what my Father was doing to me. It has been a hard and trying journey over the last 26 years since speaking out, yet if I was given the opportunity to go back in time knowing what I know now about how I would receive no justice from the courts of this land, how hard and painful facing my fears and issues would be, I still would of chose to speak out. Once I disclosed I had the support of Social Services and was taken into care.
There was a two-tier process for me in speaking out. The initial disclosure (to a friend at the time) and then talking through with someone (a professional- counsellor) about what actually happened during those years of the abuse and addressing the issues it left behind. The latter took longer as I spent years trying everything to distract my mind from the memories by using destructive mechanisms such as self-harm, alcohol and other meaningless ways to cope. In my book I talk about trying to hold my pain inside and how it manifested itself everywhere in my life. The best analogy I can use to describe my avoidance of talking about what happened to me is that of a rubbish bin. The bin (me) was full of rubbish (destructive behaviours, avoidance of dealing with issues, etc) that instead of emptying it out (dealing with issues by talking) kept putting more rubbish in and trying to force down the lid! I kept putting off talking about it and every time I lifted the lid (tried to look at my pain) the rubbish would come out (inner pain, destructiveness!) It was when I could not close the bin lid anymore that I had my first nervous breakdown in my early 20’s. The pressure and stress of keeping in something so traumatising inside can cause mental and psychological problems such as depression, emotional disorders, addictions and other destructive behaviours. I am not saying it easy to approach talking about it; it is hard. It took me 9 years to get to that point and 30 years later I still times have when I need to go back to counselling. It takes courage, strength and support to tell someone and with support of people you have a good trusted relationship with you will get through it. For the majority of us that support has never been there and I know this first hand from my own experience, the work I do through my organisation Daughter Arise and people I have known along the way since being in care that those relationships have to be forged from outside our families. There are organisations like mine www.daughterarise.org.uk that provide a confidential helpline where you don’t even have to give your name you can just talk without fear of judgement or being criticised or NAPAC (National Assoc of People Abused in Childhood) http://napac.org.uk/ where you can find a listening ear or advice on your situation you don’t have to face it alone. I feel better now for talking about it, keeping quiet was never an option. By doing so I have been able to rebuild my life bit by bit. I do not feel fearful about my future anymore and I certainly do not feel like I am a prisoner to the abuse of my past. I am free with no regrets because I found my voice.
THOSE YOU LOVE MAY NOT SUPPORT YOU
I never received any support from my natural family in disclosing the abuse and because of their actions in helping my Father cover up his crimes I have received no justice. Only my younger brother ever believed me and that was a comfort to me at the time. Still it was not surprising considering how secretive my family were. I was never looking for an apology I just wanted justice. I was angry and depressed about being ostracised from my family and did not expect to be accused as being a jealous troublemaker or encouraged to go and apologise to my Father for the upset caused to HIM. They helped him hide evidence and supported him fully whilst I was left to fend for myself in government care.
There has been a price in speaking out, I have no natural family, disapproving looks from people who knew my family whilst I was growing up and even now some people in that era of my life think I should stop talking about it. Culturally as a black woman that is not the done thing to do, to ‘wash your dirty laundry’ as they would call it out in public. For me it wasn’t about them believing me, although that would have been nice at that time in my life if my Mum did, but this was about me, my survival. It was about being free from someone who was hurting me physically, mentally and emotionally.
My Father has been well protected by family members but I believe it goes deeper that. I know for a fact they knew what he was capable of but he groomed all the females in the family through fear. I was treated as the problem and he was treated as a victim. If you decide to speak out understand that a revelation such as sexual abuse will cause upset. Statistics show over 85% of sexual abuse is by someone the child knows, loves or trusts. That is why I use my experience now to raise awareness because I believe it is a certain mind set and lack of education on this subject that leaves people misinformed, blaming the child when they should be looking at the circumstances and the adult or person who is accused of sexual abuse and reporting it to the relevant authorities instead of closing house. It is unfair and not right that the victim is put out in the cold.
People believe blood should be thicker than water but unfortunately for the majority of people does not end up this way. If you have family support after disclosing that is a wonderful thing and it will help you overcome the trauma and recover better. However for those who do not have that, it is a painful betrayal and can leave you feeling like you will never get over it. Even though I did not have the support of my natural family I am proof that life can go on. I do not miss having them in my life. There may be a time after the pain has died down when emotions are not so raw to have a heart to heart with people that have hurt you if you feel that might help you on your journey to closure but don’t depend on it and make it your foundation to be able to focus and move on. You know what happened to you because you are the one that has to live with it. Don’t let people manipulate you by using their love as a bargaining tool for you to do what they want. Building a good support network can make all the difference in dealing with not having family support and it usually comes amongst others who have had similar experiences. For me I found support through trusted friends (this took a while!), other survivors, the love of my family and God. He has been my Father and Mother in the times I have been alone and provided people in my life who have and continue to stick by me.
HEALING IS A JOURNEY
A dear friend who had seen my struggles for a long time once said to me “Yvonne do you realise that the damage done by those five significant years of abuse could take five, ten years or even the rest of your life to undo?” I had not given it much thought then. I was in my late twenties still struggling with depression, struggling with showing myself understanding about why it was hard for me to do certain things. I wanted to be healed like yesterday. I was fed up with how this abuse had invaded my life and wanted it out. I did not want to go back to therapy for what felt like the hundredth time. I wanted to feel normal.
Reflecting on that conversation now I can appreciate what she was trying to say. My friend was in her late forties and a survivor of CSA was saying to me a realisation she had come to herself because of her own journey. I can appreciate her words of wisdom now but in my twenties I was looking for an instant solution to a life changing experience. As I have grown in wisdom and maturity I understand that I am made up of emotions and feelings, a soul and spirit that has been damaged and impacted by the assault inflicted upon my very being and that needs time to heal. Yvonne needs time to heal.
On this journey to healing I have cried so many tears and faced many fears. I have had to learn what love is, what boundaries are. I have had to learn to forgive others and to forgive myself (still trying!) in order to be free from emotions that kept me trapped in a vicious cycle. I had to take a long look at myself in order to learn how to treat myself better and treat others better too (still learning!) I have learned to say no to behaviours that over the years felt good but actually were harming and destructive to my wellbeing. Realising that even those who have hurt me deeply care nothing for my pain I have had to purposely choose not to fester and sit in anger about their disregard of my feelings. Each day, month and year I can say with confidence that my past has not defined me, and I can measure that by looking at how far I have come even when I have down days. It is all a part of the process to finding myself on this journey.
You may not see how you will make it through now because maybe you were like me always looking at your faults, weaknesses or tears. No one is perfect. Lift your head up and be kind to yourself for you have been through a lot. Be patient and do not let anybody make you feel bad that you are not at a place they think you should be. It takes time to first admit what has happened and then to deal with and process all that entails. The journey to healing is one of a lifetime and the things you find hard now will be easier to process in the future and there will be different issues and emotions you will have to deal with along the way. That is the nature this abuse leaves behind but how you determine its hold on your future is your choice. Don’t look like at your depression, tears or inability to embrace certain things now as indicators that you are not healing or making progress. They are the very things that will empower your journey to rise. I understand you want to be rid of the feelings, pain and disappointment you feel and in its place be happy, accepting of yourself and living the life you want to live now but don’t be frustrated at yourself; everything has a time and a season. Things will naturally happen when they are supposed to just do what you can with courage and the rest will follow.
YOU ARE WORTHY OF LOVE
As I say this to you I continue to say it to myself. Both you and I are worthy of love. Real love does not harm you or use your vulnerability against you. Real love is accepting of your faults and your failings, the kind of love that encourages you to keep on when you feel like hope has gone. I never experienced real love until I knew Jesus and even then I rejected it so many times but he is faithful. I wanted the love and acceptance of those that rejected me like my parents but I came to accept they did not know what love was themselves.
My first example of what love was, and how it was given was by them. They showed me love was to be betrayed, used and exploited. My Father used my love and vulnerability to use me in a way that left me feeling worthless and had a devastating imprint on my life for many years. All the relationships I had from the age I could make a choice were either abusive or ones where I used my sex as a tool to get what I wanted, and even then I could not get the one thing I really needed; love. Promiscuity is not love, abusing yourself is not love. It took God to show me my value and worth through his word, people sent into my life and for me to accept that I was worthy of being loved and learn to respond to it without lashing out or pushing it away. I am not damaged and spoiled goods but a valuable woman. That was the legacy left behind by my Father’s so called ‘love’ that left me feeling I was of no value at all. Now I know I am fearfully and wonderfully made, I am cared about, I am of value, I am not a mistake that is what my heavenly Father tells me and he says the same of you too. These words provided the foundation, along with therapy, positive words of affirmation that I speak over myself often. By learning to be kind to myself and showing consideration and care towards my emotions has helped me. 10 years ago I could not even look in the mirror and say I even liked myself!
No matter what has happened to you I want you to know that you are worthy of love, worthy of happiness and worthy of a good future that is not spoiled by the affects of your past. To get to that point you may have to let some people go, including abusive relationships. You will have to let go abusive habits with help and support. In order to get to a place where you can to start to feel you are worthy of love you need to create the atmosphere for it to nuture and develop. It was after I got rid of the abusive relationships and behaviours that it was the most difficult to believe because it felt like I was really alone. But after a while whilst working on myself I realised the benefits of letting it all go. I was starting anew not continuing the inheritance of my childhood. You may not believe it now but one day you will see that it was of benefit to you as well. In the meantime hold on the changes in your life are coming.
My book daughter arise is available here
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