Identity Theft

Earlier this year, in a radio interview I was asked by the presenter how in the aftermath of such traumatic experiences, did I manage to piece my life together.

I never thought about that question before. My ability to just get on with life was not done out of choice but more out of circumstance. There was never time to think about my needs or to reflect on who I was becoming as a woman. Besides dealing with unresolved relational issues with my birth family, from the age of sixteen I was busy juggling all that life required of me; demands of being a mum predominately raising a daughter by myself, demands of working different jobs and the expectation to be a good employee. What was most tiring was trying to live up to other people’s expectations because I never felt acceptable and good enough. Poor self esteem and lack of identity led me into situations where I allowed certain people to have control over me.

Some psychologists believe we are born Tabula rasa, a ‘blank slate’. Derived from latin it refers to the belief that humans are born with completely an open mind and that upbringing imprints beliefs and attitudes onto the personality. From birth we are shaped by our experiences, surroundings, environment and interactions with people whether subconscious or not. I had a false identity, one birthed and moulded out of the trauma I experienced as a child that made me the woman I turned out to be at that point I my life. I was never valued or cherished, only humiliated by abuse that left a profound effect on how I viewed the world, my place in it and most important of all how I viewed me. I saw how the trauma of sexual abuse affected not just my formative years but also the continuous devastation it had on my life and ability to love myself because I was living it. It should not be under estimated the impact abuse has on self esteem, confidence and self worth. It damages and distorts the natural process that helps form our unique identity and development from childhood into adulthood, it affects how we respond to different situations in life. I realised very early on that I had no power or choice in what was happening to me so subconsciously a false identity developed because of brokenness. Even when I was out of the situation I never questioned how the abuse left me, I just thought the way I was, was just me. I had no confidence and point of memory reference within me to draw strength from; my only point of reference was my experiences and treatment in childhood. Lack of esteem, abuse and self worth meant I developed an inferiority complex. I thought friends were better than me because they were more confident, I was in a relationship that was emotionally and at times verbally and physically abusive and thought that was okay. I never knew it was unacceptable to be treated like that because of my experiences. I grew up in a home where this behaviour as normal, seeing my Mother controlled by my Father. I thought love was giving away myself and because I loved this man I was nearly destroyed trying to find my identity in pleasing him. I just wanted to be accepted; I wanted to be loved.

22 years old. That is where my journey of self discovery started. It was after I had my first breakdown that I truly saw how broken I was; through psychotherapy I started to piece my life together. Up until that point over the years, I got my identity from my looks, clothes, boyfriends, status and being liked by friends that were never really friends in the first place. I thought these things would provide what was missing in myself; I had no identity. I did not feel it was acceptable to just be me after all, was I not just me as a child? So I put value on these things instead of valuing myself. When all was stripped away I did not know who I was, what I liked, what I stood for. I knew nothing about myself apart from the identity I tried to maintain from being hurt and broken by abuse.

Childhood should have been a time of self discovery but it was robbed from me. Those precious moments I was supposed to have to explore and know myself, to have time and space to discover the dreams and aspirations awaiting in my imagination was thwarted at 9 years old. Instead I had to find out for the first time in my twenties who Yvonne was and I am still now on that journey 31 years later.

To find my identity meant I had to grieve and come to terms with my past, learn a new way of thinking, dispel the lies I was told in childhood and confront how I thought about myself. It meant admitting I needed help and accepting support to address past trauma and acknowledging that I was living a lie. Brutal in its revelation that stripped me to my vulnerable core, I wept many tears at the fact I had to start a journey of knowing myself at 22 years old. I cannot fully tell you how I managed it; apart from telling you I took it a day at time. There were times I sank into deep depression but their was one constant during those uncertain dark times; my faith. Jesus helped me and has been restoring me since. Psalm 139 played a part in helping me find out the truth about whom I really was. God showed me through that psalm that I was fearfully and wonderfully made and that he formed an identity for me before I was born. I could not comprehend the fullness of that revelation then and still struggle at times to comprehend it now that I, Yvonne was not a mistake but that I am special. No matter how I feel I choose to trust what God says about me because he created me. For me, finding my identity had to come from an unshakeable truth, something outside of the manipulation of my own thoughts, feelings and reasoning; for me that was Jesus Christ in his truth and love.

I will be honest; the process and journey to finding your identity in the aftermath of abuse can be emotionally draining. It requires a strong foundation of truth, courage and resilience not only to start but also see it through. The journey will never be finished but I can see because I have taken those steps in my mind and spirit that I know more about who I am; what I like and dislike, the confidence I have now to build boundaries and boldness to set standards. Knowing my purpose has also helped me. I no longer look to others for my identity but because I am aware within myself of some characteristics left behind because of my past I continue to seek help from God and other avenues such as counselling to help reassure me and remind that I am okay and acceptable as me. I am amazed that God would use the most random of situations such as that radio interview, as a poignant reminder of what he has done in my life, a life that was broken and fragmented by abuse. Slowly I can see the bigger picture of who I am becoming. I look back and see that I could not have done this journey on my own. What God has done for me he can do for you; all you need to do is ask him into your life, into your heart. He will provide the support, resources and help you need.

My motto has always been that my past will never define me. I chose to start again, even though it was painful, from a clean slate, a fresh start provided through Jesus an assured foundation from which I am building my identity and character. When I look in the mirror I do not see a broken or lost woman defined by a lost identity; I see a unique, courageous, valuable woman who in spite of distorted beginnings embracing a new life and journey of getting to know myself better and doing things I never thought I could do.

So what do you see when you look in the mirror? Do you see someone whose identity is still defined by past abuse and pain? Someone who is still trying to find their self worth and acceptance in people or things? My encouragement to you is this; it can change if you want it to. You may not believe it but it is the truth. You may of have had the power to be yourself taken from you as a child but now you have the power to forge a new identity, with love and support it can be done. Think about it. You are valuable and loved. Would it not be wonderful to one day look in the mirror and be okay with what you see and know you used the power of your choice to discover and explore you from a new perspective, a different mind set. You can claim back your stolen identity, and find a new identity based from truth not lies from your past childhood or past experiences. This is your life and no one is unique and valuable as you.