As I Am

I remember as a child reading the story ‘the ugly duckling’ by Danish Poet and Author Hans Christian Anderson. It tells the tale of a duckling born different to the other ducklings and because of that suffered abuse and isolation. I always found the story such a fascinating tale and as I recently came across it again I found myself comparing the parallels in the story to the journey of a survivor who has been abused and treated unfairly.

The journey of this duckling unfolded because of circumstances outside of his control. Faced with hardships on an emotional and physical level because of his appearance he experienced loneliness, sadness, feelings of inadequacy and falling short of the mark. The feeling of ‘not belonging or ‘feeling different’ is something me and many victims of abuse found ourselves facing during being abused and in the aftermath. Because of circumstances outside of my control I became isolated and felt there was something inherently wrong with me, especially as I observed with my own eyes that my Fathers cruel treatment was exclusive to me and not my siblings. Years after the abuse I still felt awkward. I struggled to find my place in school, in care and society and because of my outward emotional struggles related to my past, by default became excluded within certain circles. Some people who knew I was abused treated me with disdain and contempt all because of something I had no control over. Inferiority complex had me believing I was not entitled to the same opportunities, love and chances that ‘ordinary’ people had in life and being exposed to severe trauma at a young age left me with a profound impression that I was damaged goods, ugly and useless incapable of achieving nothing in life. This was never the truth but internally, emotionally it became my truth.

The very nature of sexual abuse, any abuse, automatically taints the lens in how we view life. Abuse impacts self esteem, self worth and confidence and no matter what anyone says unless we believe it for ourselves we never feel ‘good enough’ and that opens the door to always comparing ourselves to others. Just like the perceived ‘ugly duckling’ who looked on the outward appearance of the beautiful and regal swans as a sign of having life altogether, I also used to measure people on how well they had it together by looking on their outside. As time has gone on I have learned with wisdom these things are not what makes us valuable or beautiful. It is the heart of a person that God holds valuable, what comes from within, even in the brokenness abuse leaves we still have a heart that matters. Through a relationship with Christ over many years I have come to know I am loved and cherished. He does not measure me against anyone else because I am unique in my traits and in my character. Psalm 139 in the bible speaks the truth that God the Creator individually crafts each one of us as humans. This psalm is even more relevant for those of us who have been abused as children left feeling we are a mistake because of ill treatment at the hands of those we loved and trusted. For it says ‘I am fearfully and wonderfully made’ (139:14) and ‘before I was in my Mother’s womb God knew me’ (139:15-16). With all my imperfections, all the mistakes I have made, outward behaviour in the midst of whatever undesirable coping mechanisms I used to survive I was not a mistake, I am purposely designed and perfect in his eyes. Everyone could see on the outside my struggles but on the inside transformation was taking place to heal me from past pain which in turn helped me realise for myself that I am good enough and deserving of the same love as everyone else.

Sometimes we look on who we are now, where we are now and the mistakes we have made to define our value as a person. These things are not determining factors only pieces of a jigsaw that is life’s bigger picture. It does not matter how a person presents themselves on the outside, what they are doing, achieving or saying. The truth is in accepting yourself for who you are now, the work of natural change will start to happen. Start by finding one thing a day to appreciate about you. The duckling was never ugly; it just lived in a world where acceptance was defined by superficial things. Your ability to love, achieve goals and heal cannot be found in people who have never walked a mile in your shoes. They may not of been abused (you will never know unless they tell you, remember my blog post the mask?) but that does not make them better than you.

Because of the other swans behaviour the duckling spent much of his time alone but in the end his appearance did eventually change to be like theirs and the duckling, now a swan found courage to step out and boldly join the other swans as they flew to new pastures, finally accepted and acknowledged he found the peace he was looking for. Do you crave acceptance and belonging? Have you never felt good enough or worthy of love and been excluded by your family and friends because of abuse and made to feel different to everyone else? Jesus can provide you with the love and peace you have always been looking for. He will surround you with people who will like you for who you are and not for where you fit into their world, unlike the duckling. All you need to do is ask. Being around people who have had similar experiences helps break down the isolation and support can help you to realise your potential. The lens through how you viewed yourself and life will change and the future will look brighter and clearer. The distorted view takes time to dispel because of past trauma but is part of the journey, and then one day you will find the courage to do what was deemed impossible. You were always good enough in spite of your abuse and that is the real truth. Over time you will realise this and accept yourself for who you are. God does.