9 Year Hitch

I love children. I remember when I was young I loved to look after the younger kids on my estate when I would go out to play. I remember one time me and a friend squabbling over which child each of us wanted to look after as we played pretend mum, I was a caring loving child.

Fast forward a decade later, I had my first child fresh out of government care at 17 years old and being a real mum was far removed from the pretend mum I played when I was little. Although not planned, my baby was a blessing in my life at a time where I was steadily going off the rails. I found being a parent hard, not only because I was young and emotionally immature but also because I was just starting to feel the impact of being sexually abused in childhood.

Back then, as a Mother, I tried my best to look after my daughter’s emotional wellbeing, providing hugs, kisses, speaking words of affirmation, encouragement and showing her love, but my capacity to function fully was affected by periods of crippling depression and low self-esteem. There were times where I found it hard to interact with her. It was not easy for her to have a mother struggling in the aftermath of abuse, a mother trying to come to terms with emotional rejection from her own Mum. Still a young girl lost, not yet at a point of dealing with the pain of her own experiences.

Not having a tangible example of how to love and nurture my own daughter meant I learnt parenting on the run. Straight in the deep end of life, from the instability of the care system into the demands of motherhood was stressful. I struggled to swim against the waves of sudden change emotionally, but the reality was I had to adapt very fast; and I just about managed.

I have lived a life of a grown woman from young age. For a time circumstances dictated to me the path my life was taking. I never had time to really think about the decisions I made but I have never regretted having my children; it has just been difficult emotionally at times.

I noticed at a particular age, with my first daughter, I became emotionally stuck. Every decision I made I second guessed myself and wondered if I was the best person to mother my child. I remember feeling overwhelmed and scared about not being unable to provide her the continued love and stability that she deserved and needed. I could not find a point of reference with in myself to relate to her at this age and that made me panic inside. I could see the parallels between how I was withdrawing from being open with my own child to when I needed my Mum the most at 9 years old, her emotionally not there. I was able to work with a psychotherapist through these emotions that rendered me helpless at that time therapy helped me to understand why those fears existed and to help manage and look beyond them.

As a single parent I tried my best to provide a loving home from a template of nothing, from the imagination of my mind and a pure love carried within my soul for the child I carried and birthed. It was not easy to parent without an example but I gave it my best. I am not a young single parent anymore but a married wife of 10 years yet, I find myself facing the same challenge I faced 13 years ago with my second daughter; the age she turned 9 years old.

I look at how she is now at 9; a fun, happy and carefree child, whose biggest worry each day ranges from when can she have sweets to watching TV and sometimes I see me at her age worrying about trying to escape my Father touching me or trying to make myself as inconspicuous as possible. At 9, I was sad and overwhelmed but I wore the mask of happiness well, unlike my daughter whose natural innocence and happiness shines through, confident in approaching her parents for comfort and a listening ear with her concerns. For me I wanted my own space to be free of the suffocating environment my home had become. There were no random hugs or the liberty for me to just be. So subconsciously when my daughter rightfully, wants continuous hugs, attention and being in the presence of a Mum she loves, honestly there are times I find it challenging letting my daughter into my personal space freely.

I am not proud to admit this and I am surprised this issue has come up for me again as I thought 13 years ago it was resolved. It is not that I think I am better than anyone else who has been through sexual abuse or thought because of my position today as a Leader and visionary that it has somehow afforded me the right to be rid of certain hindrances or emotional scars left behind in the aftermath of abuse. I just thought it would not be an issue again but now I realise some issues may reappear subconsciously in my memory during my lifetime and as long as I accept this I will continue to tackle them head on.

Dealing with the insecurities and fears that can surface during parenting a child as a survivor of childhood sexual abuse can bring up feelings of vulnerability that can be overwhelming even with support. I have known other survivors that have really struggled with parenting to the point where their children are not living with them anymore and it is heart breaking to see these situations. They love their children very much but have not been able to acknowledge or face the pain of how abuse has affected them. Their children’s vulnerability makes them feel unable to cope and have given up hope of believing they can get move forward past the pain in their lives, not only to love their children but also believe they can emotionally be there for them too. All this requires is courage and help but that can seem like a huge ask especially for the one who has been violated and abused. As an overcomer, I have made great strides moving forward in not letting my past define to me what I can have or what I can’t do, I push past the comfortableness of staying put in any issue to do with my past, but that does not mean I still do not have areas in my life that abuse has not affected. Memories or incidents that happened during that time lay dormant then unexpectedly resurfaces in my mind, as I have found on this journey to healing, for example being 9 years old.

The issue has never been about any of my daughters rather it has been about my ability to believe that I can love past the age where my own pain started. Just because I came from my Mother does not mean I make the same choices she has. I will conquer this hitch not only for me but also for my Daughter that she will not grow up and remember an emotional void with me in our relationship. I recognise there are times, like now, those feelings of old may rear their head but they are just scars that get bumped sometimes, not open wounds that are raw and painful. I have nothing to be afraid of just because my daughter is 9. I can and will continue to parent to the best of my ability as I have done this far with support during the tricky times.

I am learning through this trial not to be hard on myself about my shortcomings and circumstances that were outside of my control. I am not the perfect parent but I choose to focus on what I can offer my daughters emotionally and do what I am capable of doing. I am confident through the love Jesus has given to me in my life that I can use his template to build a meaningful relationship with my both of my daughters. I continue to affirm myself as a woman and a mother that although I may not have got the loving stability I deserved as a child I can build positive relationships with my daughters through patience, love and truth. Whilst I acknowledge these feelings of helplessness may come up from time to time they are not a representation of who I am today. No longer am I that helpless little girl trapped and suffocated by circumstances I had no choice over, I am a strong woman free to make my own choices shaped from a place of strength and guidance found in God. I can see this is evident in my life because I look at how far I have come and it serves as encouragement. I am a productive and good role model as a Mother.

So, how do I face the times when I want to run and hide? I actively meet my daughter’s needs head on. When she asks for several hugs a day I embrace her instead of putting it off until later even if it is only for a few seconds or minutes. Bedtimes and casual times throughout the day I give her kisses and love; I refuse to let past abuse rob me of the precious gift of being loved and appreciated by my child. I still see inside me a girl who needs reassuring and comforting at times but I also identify that child who played pretend Mum is still here as the loving woman I am today. My ability to love never changed just my circumstances and I can hold onto that to help me over any emotional hitches because it is who I am.

So I have decided to look on this 9 year hitch with a different prospective. Rather than feeling stuck I prefer to see it as a challenge I am passing through, no different to other issues I have overcome. I choose to embrace this as part of my journey for I know I am more than a conqueror.