Survivors Voice was first created in the first Daughter Arise Awareness Event by me, its Founder Yvonne Ellis in September 2013. I created a space within the event to allow survivors of Sexual abuse a space to share their own journey of how they came to be sexually abused, how it affected their life and their journey to healing.
At our Awareness Events, survivor’s voice has proved hugely popular, encouraging and inspirational to other survivors who are trying to find confidence for the first time to help find their voice and insightful to those who have not known how abuse hurts lives.
This page serves to build on what has been started in these events. It is a space for other survivors to share and express themselves in a safe way. This page is a mixture of poems, short stories and words of encouragement to help others. The comments and content on this page is moderated by me and I help survivors to present their work where needed.
I hope you find this page encouraging.
When you laid your hands on me,
I didn’t have an adult who could
Hold and set me free,
I silenced as you clamped your hand
Across my mouth,
My eyes looked out in fear
And screaming…I had no idea,
As I was, just aged three
You pushed your fingers inside me, I couldn’t work it out,
You did it in a hurry
Like you knew if you let go I’d shout,
It seemed to last forever and it’s imprint found a home,
It hid away for years
While other did version of the same..
I am just aged three
Years and years
It carried on until
I kicked and screamed
But still no one listened,
terror splinters remain internally
I tried hard to make someone love the horror, the left over bits of me
But as an adult it came back to haunt in whispers,
The body remembers
Nearly everyone has a turn…
Mine began when I was just three..
I began healing with support of another trusted adult,
I healed my mind, my body, they helped me know I had been let down,
Another person from where it happened acknowledged my truth
And finally I spoke out,
Everytime I help someone else by sharing I heal even more
POEM BY- Chrissy Kelly
Kiya’s Story -Survivor’s Remorse
My scars remind me that I did indeed survive my deepest wounds. That in itself is an accomplishment. And they bring to mind something else, too. They remind me that the damage life has inflicted on me has, in many places, left me stronger and more resilient. What hurt me in the past has actually made me better equipped to face the present.
In hopes of helping someone else who has been sexually assaulted; I am writing from a place of vulnerability. I never imagined I would get to a place where I would be able to talk about my experience with sexual assault, but here I am.
In 2015, I was sexually assaulted. The assault was very traumatizing. I didn’t think I would recover from it. The night of the assault is kind of still a blur, because I was well over my drinking limit and I was in a state of unconscious-consciousness, if that makes any sense.
I was in a car full of men and I remember laying my head against the window with my eyes closed. I could feel someone touching my shirt and I removed his hands. The next memory I have is waking up in the car at someone’s house and being told that I needed rest. I remember telling him to just take me home. I didn’t know where I was, I couldn’t find my phone and at this point; I had to urinate. I got out of the car with the force of another man helping me out and assisting me to where the bathroom was. After using the restroom, I opened the door to a hallway full of men and I asked again, “if I could be taken home?” They just looked at each other and one of the men spoke up and told me to just lay down and they will take me home soon. I went into the room were there was only a twin sized bed and a side table and other things around. My throat was parched and I asked “if I could get something to drink?”, I was given a cup of liquor. I rejected and proceeded to lay down on the bed. I remember hearing the voices of people talking in whisper. I was exhausted and my body was ice cold.
The next part of my this story I am choosing to keep direct. I have not completely healed from this traumatic experience.
Shortly after laying down; the door opens and it was so bright all I could do is squint and see the first man enter the room….
I physically could not fight back; my body was paralyzed and it was unexplained.
I remember the pressure put on my legs and wrist; the sense of others around me.
One after another they had their turn.
I woke up and it was probably 6-7 am. My clothes were on the floor, I had to search for my phone which was dead and I wanted to go home. I went downstairs and someone was in the kitchen I asked him “if he could take me home?” He said ” I don’t have any gas in my car.” one of the other men offered me money to get a cab and another offered to take me to a hotel and he would have someone take me home later. I said “no ,I want to go home.” finally, one of the men agreed to take me home. I only allowed him to drive to as close to my house as I would allow. I walked the rest of the way.
Once I was home, I showered and cried for at least 30 minutes or more. I was numb and in the words of my therapist I had “disassociated myself from the reality of what had happened”. I felt like I was in a dream. The entire day I buried myself in bed and didn’t want to deal with the world. This feeling lasted for at least a month.
Today, I still deal with the trauma of the assault. I blamed myself. I went over and over ever moment leading to what had occurred. I was disgusted with myself. My self worth was compromised by the hands of men who I didn’t know. I tried to remember any details I could to piece together who was responsible for what had happened to me and all I could come up with was MYSELF.
I know that I have to forgive the men who did this to me; in order to release the baggage of the assault. I know that I can only do that through God. As of now, I am not in a place of forgiveness, not even for myself. I hope one day to get there.
What I would say to survivor’s of abuse and what has helped me in my processing of healing has been the word of God. I am blessed and greatful to be able to call on him in my time of sorrow. God has sent me some amazing new friends, I changed therapist in time of this process. What has also helped me is knowing that I am not alone. Many fellow blogs/bloggers testimonials and writings have kept me encouraged. Each day is getting easier by knowing this battle is not mines alone. It’s not just for me; it’s for daughter’s, sister’s, cousin’s, friend’s and women who feel that they are at a losing battle. Healing from any traumatic experience is not done in a certain time period. Healing is a life long process, it doesn’t end when you feel secure.
Proverbs 3:5-6 “Trust in the LORD with all your heart, And lean not on your own understanding; In all your ways acknowledge Him, And He shall direct your paths.”
God’s plan for us is always for our good.
Journey Towards the Light
Mac make up to make up for the childhood I lost.
To grow up fast your childhood taken.
Some of you will never know the cost.
I made jokes
Forever ever laughing
Forever smiling, But inside I was slowly dying
Having never known my Dad
How did men act
Feeling like I always had to give love on my back
Don’t judge me by my shady past, the men or boys I crept within the dark
I never opened up they never saw my heart
The two times I did my heart was crushed
The two times I did , both guys just laughed
But you don’t know me or what I’ve been through
Because it happens in my family.
My mum, my aunts and a few cousins too
We share the same pain but never talk
Forget about it Chev move on
He stole my childhood and replaced it with sexual desires.
The soul ties I built was never my intention
But I wanted to hurt myself without the scars
So I once took pills to leave the earth with a bottle of jack
I woke up angry that my life wasn’t taken
Don’t judge me
I was drinking and smoking
No self worth and my walls built up high
Did I actually really want to die?
I walked out in front of a bus and all the driver did was cuss
So I started to think there is more to life than this
I want a home a family and some kids
I was invited to church
It healed some of my hurt.
Even though not completely gone. I know taking my own life would have been wrong
I’m more hopeful to say the least, I’m gonna beat this beast,
So my bible I pick up when my days are long
My God gives me strength, He makes me strong
Plants songs in my heart to deliver me
Every day he is moulding me.
I heard someone say he is the Potter and we are the clay
So now I give thanks for my life every day
I’m thankful for my gifts
My family and friends with my super hero Christ my life will never be the same again
So follow him I’ll encourage you, and he can do for you what he did for me
Come and join Christ family
Open your heart to receive he will open your mind.
Seek to search and you will find
You are a special gem who heart, has a beat
Please get to know him so the devil can be beaten
In Christ’s army we are soldiers in kingdom,
Though the war is not over we have victory,
These are my few words, This is my story
I hope I can encourage just one on my journey.
God bless x
My Journey…at Times
I felt resentment
I felt guilty
I felt so alone
Sometimes I feel that I’m never allowed to feel anything, I’m never not allowed to show my emotions
I always have to be the strong one, the responsible one, the caring one and the one who goes an extra mile for everyone
Sometimes I feel like my life is just passing by
Sometimes I feel like I’m always number two
Sometimes I feel like I will never forget, sometimes I wonder if I will ever forgive
Sometimes I just feel numb
Sometimes I feel so dumb
Sometimes I wanna give up on me and everyone
But for some reason I stay strong,
For some reason I carry on
Because my journey in life is just beginning